Eyes that lock from across the room feeling like a connection has been made without words. An extended smile. A second too long in someone’s personal space. A simple kiss on the cheek to greet someone hello. A little cleavage. Liking a barrage of pictures on social media at 2:00 am. The smell of perfume innocently left on a letter written to a man. An innocent “church hug” that lasts a few seconds too long. An innocent compliment about someone’s physical appearance. A seemingly accidental touch. A whisper in the ear. A wink. It happens all around us. It happens at work, at the gym, at school, and sadly it has crept into the church. I’m talking about flirting.
To be clear, my focus in this article is not on non-sexual flirting between two single adults who are pursuing one another. If a single man wants to flirt with a single woman in a non-sexual way with the intent to pursue her and only her then I see nothing inherently wrong with that. And if that single woman responds with a flirt indicating her reciprocal interest, I see nothing wrong with that. Instead I want to focus on something much more disappointing. I’m referring either to people who flirt without the intent to pursue or people who are attached to someone else who flirt with the opposite sex.
Let’s Define Flirting
Flirting is any verbal or nonverbal communication that communicates attraction.
To put it another way,
…it is playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest.
One person described it as, “attention without intention.” Let’s go deeper.
WHY DO PEOPLE FLIRT?
#1 – To Get Attention
Some people flirt because they have a defective self-image. They need to receive constant attention from the opposite sex to feel good about themselves. It goes like this. The more they flirt, the more attention they get. The more attention they get, the better they feel about themselves. In other words, it’s no longer about getting this person in bed or stealing them from their spouse; it’s knowing that you could have if you took things further that is sufficient. And this knowledge boosts your ego and validates your self-image.
#2 – To Feel Desired
Some people may be in relationships where they feel their significant other no longer desires them and they question their desirability. “Do I still have it?” “Am I still sexy to someone in this world?” “Does anyone want me?” Flirting is a way to recapture that teenage feeling of excitement that arises the exact moment you realize, “wow, this person finds me attractive!” Let’s admit it; we get the warm and fuzzies when we feel we are desired by the opposite sex.
#3 – To Test the Waters
Some people flirt because they have intentions that go beyond flirting that they are not quite ready to reveal. So instead, they flirt to see if the other person is receptive and willing to continue the game. If they are not willing, then they feel they have not crossed the lines. If the response is positive then the green light is on to proceed further.
FLIRTING IS FUN BUT IS IT WISE?
So is it OK to flirt? I mean, is it really hurting anyone? Sadly there is just too much of this going on in the church. Somewhere along the line many people in the church, both married and unmarried, have gotten the idea that “it’s okay to flirt as long as I don’t act on it.” Below are some reasons why I believe it is unwise to flirt in certain situations.
#1 – Flirting Communicates Dissatisfaction in Your Relationship
Whether you are happy or not, flirting communicates to the person you are flirting with that there is something wrong at home and your spouse is not satisfying you or keeping your interest indicated by your heart being quickly drawn away through flirting. Instead of communicating dissatisfaction to someone else, we need to be communicating this to our mate before we become vulnerable to something other than flirting.
#2 – Flirting leads to Fantasy
If there is a particular person that you find yourself flirting with from time to time the problem is that it begins innocent and harmless, but it can quickly graduate to fantasizing about this person. What we think is a simple act of flirting can plant a thought in our minds about another person. Sin begins in our head (we think about it), then moves to our heart (we crave and desire it), and then ultimately to our hands (we act it out).
#3 – Flirting is a slippery slope
The more you flirt and the more receptive the other person is to the flirting, the easier, more frequent and more sensual it becomes. Before you know it the both of you are too comfortable around each other because boundaries have been crossed and neither person is resetting the boundaries.
#4 – Flirting is Disrespectful
If you are flirting with someone who is attached to someone else, it is disrespectful to their significant other and says volumes about your character if you are still willing to do so knowing that they belong to someone else. Would you want someone flirting with your significant other, drawing their heart further and further away from yours?
#5 – Flirting is Misleading
Flirting sends the message that you are available for more when you really aren’t. It also can cause someone else to stumble (Rom. 14:21). When you flirt with someone who may already be interested in you, you entice him or her to begin to fantasize about you knowing all along you are either unavailable or uninterested in him or her. This is misleading someone. You’re playing with someone’s emotional heartstrings keeping them hanging on and giving them hope until you decide what you want to do. For you, it’s just a game, but for them it takes them to a place of fantasy that will never be a reality.
#6 – Flirting Can Ruin Your Reputation
If you are a woman who flirts, you could quickly be seen as a threat to other women. They won’t want you around their men because they don’t trust you. That will make it difficult for you to develop authentic genuine relationships with other women. If you are a man you could be viewed as a lust-filled womanizer who is not serious about committed relationships.
#7 – Flirting Can Create An Unsafe Environment
Speaking of this epidemic in church, when people come to church they should not feel “preyed on” but rather “prayed on.” They should not feel uncomfortable in a place of worship. Everything we do is not only a reflection of Christ but a reflection of the church. And if the church gets the reputation that men and women constantly flirt with one another, a person sincerely seeking to be fed spiritually may be turned away from attending that local church and ultimately miss out on something God intended for them.
SUMMARY
So the bottom line comes down to motive. If you are flirting for attention without intention or simply to play around with someone’s emotions then that is wrong. We need to stop and repent of this action today. But if you are single and exclusively pursuing or dating one person, it could be a harmless way to let the other person know you are interested.