I didn’t know what love was…until I fell out of it.

I’m a 40-year old man who recently got married for the first time. People used to ask me all the time (I used to hate this question) “Why are you still single?” At which time they would start to go down a list of what they considered were my most positive attributes in an attempt to figure out the answer to this perplexing question. Well, allow me to share with you how I got here.

When it came to relationships, you could have called me Forrest Gump. I ran. I confess that for a very long time I was in love with the idea of being in love. I’ve fallen in love more than a few times in my life and there is no greater feeling.

At first it was flowers, maybe some poetry, romance, long conversations, walks in the park and a perpetual butterfly bouncing around in my stomach. You know the kind that dances when you receive a phone call or text message from that special someone? I abandoned sleep just to stay up on the phone and talk for hours when I knew I needed energy to function the next day. But the high of what I thought was love sustained me even when sleep deprivation continued for days, weeks at a time. Have you ever been there? It’s called love, right? Or is it? This would continue for a period of time. Sometimes it would last for 3 months, sometimes 6 months, and if I was lucky, perhaps a year.

But…somewhere along the way the dreaded F’s started creeping in. You know what those are don’t you? Were they there all the time? How did I not notice these before? Why didn’t these things bother me before? The F’s I’m referring to are their failures, flaws, faith and their fears. Oh!! Why do we ever have to deal with these? Love was so beautiful without them, wasn’t it?

FAILURES

The story would go something like this. Early on women would share their failures with me. Very aware of my own failures, somehow their failures seemed greater than mine. My subconscious, self-righteousness would silently ask, “How could they have done that?” while at the same time reassuring them of my commitment and agape love. The more committed they felt I was, the more they opened up and shared their failures. The more they would share, the more I would think about how their failures would negatively affect me and what it would cost me to have to deal with them.

FLAWS

As if that wasn’t enough to process, the dreaded flaws began to surface. “She’s too shy!” “She’s too silly!” “She’s too happy!” “She laughs too much!” “She’s too serious.” “What’s up with that corn on her toe?” “Is that ALL she knows how to cook?” Ugh! The utter selfishness and pride of these thoughts now disgusts me but let’s proceed. Were these even really flaws or were they just different from how God had created me? And why would I want someone like me? And why was I not spending more time looking at my own flaws? What pride!

FAITH

In comes another F! Their faith. “Why doesn’t she know where the book of Malachi is…by now?” “Did she read her bible this week?” “And why is she not involved in 6 ministries? Does she not love Jesus like I do?” These are all valid questions to ask but I see two faults in them. First, Matthew 7:1 prohibits us from judging others hypocritically. I’d spend more time obsessing over their spiritual life than making sure mine was on point. Second, had I elevated Bible knowledge over obedience and faith? Perhaps I was a 9 in Bible knowledge compared to her 4 but she was a 10 in obedience and faith compared to my 6.

FEARS

Then, another F! Because of the safe environment that I had created, she would share her innermost fears. One of the common ones was the fear of being hurt. This was often due to past disappointments in relationships.

Oh man! I’m a good guy! Why do I have to pay for the mistakes of another man? Why am I guilty until proven innocent? This means I’m going to have to actually put in some work to gain her trust. That’s too much to deal with. I’m out! I’m off to find someone who doesn’t have that fear, that failure. I’m off to find someone who doesn’t have that flaw; and someone with better faith. And so the cycle continued…

What I didn’t realize was that my fear of failure was just as great as their fear of being hurt. See, I come from a family where several members experienced the tragedy of divorce. For most of my childhood I didn’t think it affected me much. After all, I had a mother and father who loved me dearly and a wonderful extended family. However, for years I was subconsciously trying to avoid the same fate I had seen in so many of my family members. This fear of failure led me to seek perfection. Subconsciously I convinced myself that finding perfection in someone would guarantee a happy marriage.

For 20 years I was so afraid of experiencing the same pain I saw in my childhood that the moment things started to get difficult in the relationship I would run.

I would run because when I came down from the high of what I thought was love, I had very few good relationships to compare it to, and as a result, what I thought were problems really were just common relationship challenges.

So now let’s fast forward to present day. See, I believe my wife was/is the best choice for me. However, as she shared her failures, fears, flaws and I psychoanalyzed her faith I was once again faced with the same choice. And it is a choice. Do I run? I’m thankful that I experienced an epiphany on my part. I had to switch my mindset and realize that love is not self-seeking. It rejects the WIIFM factor (What’s In It For Me?). There is a huge element that now says,

How can God use me to make her life better? What failures from her past does God want me to cover and extend grace to her? What flaws does she have that my strengths can compensate for? What fears does she have that God want my love reassure? How can I lead her, not leave her, to grow in her faith?

Perhaps these are questions most people naturally ask themselves in relationships. But I confess it took me almost 40 years to evolve and begin to understand the importance of asking these questions which is leading me to better understand what true love really is.

1 CORINTHIANS 13

The euphoric feeling of infatuation that I used to label as love has now been supplemented with the true definition of love found in 1 Cor. 13.

Love is…patient. Love waits for God to change them while not pressuring them to change nor trying to change them myself (we can’t even change ourselves, right?”)

Love is…kind. Love does random acts of kindness for people even if you don’t like them.

Love…does not envy. Love is genuinely happy and celebrates the successes of another person and how God is blessing them even when things in my own life are not going the way I expected and I’m waiting for God to bless me.

Love…does not boast. Love resists the temptation to say things that I know in my heart will make me look good. It means we don’t compete with one another; we complement one another.

Love is not…rude. Love means even when this person is getting on my last nerve my non-verbals, tone of voice and the way in which I handle them is gentle, without an abrasive attitude and kind.

Love does not…seek its own. Love always thinks about what’s best for the other person first instead of what’s best for me.

Love is not…easily angered. Love means my loved ones don’t have to walk on eggshells with me because they have the confidence to know I can accept criticism, laugh at myself and not be oversensitive because I choose not to take life or myself too seriously.

Love…keeps no record of wrongs. When love says, “You’re forgiven” I choose to let it go and NEVER bring it up again. Love chooses not to store up infractions in our minds only to use again later in an attempt to win an argument. Love says winning the relationship is more important than winning the argument.

Not one of these actions involves emotions. They are all a matter of the will. I’m glad I’ve come down from what I thought was love so that I can enter into a true picture of what love is. And should I ever forget, I will look to Jesus as the ultimate picture of true love. He sees beyond my failures, my flaws, my fears and my lack of faith and loves me in spite of myself.

So now I have a new pattern that I’m trying to follow; it’s called focus. I focus more on becoming the right man for her rather than trying to change her into who I want her to be. I focus on how God can use our combined failures, flaws, fears and at times, shaky faith, to make a difference in someone else’s life.

So what I’ve learned on this journey is that love is not an emotion, an infatuation or some euphoric feeling, it’s a verb. Love is an action. I’m thankful that I fell out of what I thought love was only to discover what love truly is.