Years ago I went skiing in Colorado and in order to get across the mountain to the other side my buddy and I could have taken the long route (ski down to the bottom and take the ski lift up…not so long right?). Instead we decided to take a “short cut” and cut across the mountain. I’ll never forget the three signs I saw that day. They said, “THIS AREA IS NOT PATROLLED”, “SKI AT YOUR OWN RISK” and “EXPERT SKIERS ONLY.” Hmmm, “We can make it!” so I thought. Essentially what they were saying was,

You can take this route but you are skiing out of bounds and we don’t patrol this area. You are skiing at your own risk and we are not responsible for anything that happens to you if you go down this route.

It took us risking our very lives on a steep cliff on the side of a mountain and 2 hours to get across but we finally did! We literally were afraid for our lives…no, seriously we were. In the same way, God has some boundaries He wants us stay within. And He gives us warning signs to help us to avoid going down the wrong path. CONFESSION: What I share with you today I have learned through successes and failures in my own relationships over the years. In other words, I don’t and have not always had it all together.

Now with that out of the way, here are 3 warning signs that I believe God would have us pay attention to so we can avoid skiing out of bounds.

SIGN #1 – Failure to “DTR”

The acronym DTR is commonly known among many to mean “Define The Relationship.” It’s that time in every relationship that you must have “the talk” to see just precisely where things are heading if anywhere at all. If you are with someone who does not want to DTR they are saying the following to you.

“You’re not good enough for me to fully commit to you but it’s convenient to have you around.”

“I’m still not sure I can be faithful to just one person so I don’t want to be accused of cheating if I date someone else. I want to leave the door open in the event that I want to become physically involved with someone else.”

I don’t want to be held responsible if I hook up with someone else so I’ll do the admirable thing and just not commit to you.

Failure to DTR can lead to disaster. Usually one person is secretly hoping the other person will eventually come around. Sometimes they do, often times they don’t. The person hoping is usually dropped like a bad habit when someone “better” comes along. The person hoping usually convinces themselves that they can handle an “open” relationship or being “just friends” (even though friends don’t kiss…). They also convince themselves that “I can persuade him/her to commit to me over time” (Read Gen. 34 and see how successful Leah was in getting Jacob to commit to her). If it’s the woman hoping she usually gets emotionally connected even though her inner voice is telling her not to because there is no commitment. Once the emotional connection is established the physical is often times soon to follow. Once both are established it can be very painful for that woman, or the man for that matter, if the relationship doesn’t lead to something permanent.

SIGN #2 – Spiritual Incompatibility

Ooooh! If I’ve seen this one once I’ve seen it 100 times. I must be honest. I see more women settling on this than I do men. The story goes like this. The woman is cruising along spiritually doing just fine. She attends church, gives regularly, and attends Bible study. She’s got a great career, a home, a nice car, and a nice 401k. However, there’s one thing missing from her life…a man. She meets a man who also goes to church because after all, she would not date someone who doesn’t go to church. BUT GOING TO CHURCH IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

So, she really likes this guy and slowly his lack of commitment influences her and the commitment she once had slowly fades and converges to his level. They get married and he wonders why she goes to church so much. He wonders why she wants to give so much money to the church. It’s subtle because she is so emotionally invested that she doesn’t notice the slow leak in her own tire. And now she is caught between submitting to her husband and submitting to God. And that is a tough position to be in.

Unfortunately this is far too common. I could just as easily have shared stories where the man compromises to please his woman. This can often result in a man’s ministry being stifled because his wife is not on board with the commitment that it takes to build that ministry. As unfortunate as it is, spiritual compatibility is often not at the top of our list when it comes to selecting a mate. Above that are financial stability, family pedigree, educational background, compatibility and physical attraction.

Now, on the flip side I’ve seen people take this TOO far! Some people meet someone who is a “good Christian” and think that’s all that it takes to make a relationship. DON’T ignore some of the other things you want in your partner. For instance, if you like someone a little rough around the edges, don’t just settle for a Christian, get a Christian ex-thug! Just kidding…but you know what I mean. Their spiritual walk is the most important quality but it’s not everything. Do they make you laugh? Do you enjoy time together? Are you attracted to them (don’t fall into the myth that it’s not important because it is)? Are they responsible? Do you have the same goals and values? Do they have the same commitment to marriage as you do?

SIGN #3 – Unresolved Issues from the Past

The third sign we must pay attention to are things about a person’s past that can negatively affect the future of the relationship. People can only hide who they are for so long. Eventually the issues we have will come out. A person could have signs of anger issues, sexual addiction, trust issues, sexual abuse, commitment issues, or fidelity issues to name a few. And instead of digging into these issues we often ignore them and think they will “work themselves out in marriage.” We can be guilty of minimizing them because our desire for marriage is so great we are secretly afraid of what we may discover if we go deeper. If we discover the ugliness that may lie behind these issues it may actually influence us to sever the relationship and because we don’t want to do that we avoid dealing with what we know deep inside could be an issue that could affect the relationship. I’m not suggesting to sever the relationship but simply to dig deeper to see just how deep these issues are and whether or not you can deal with them for a lifetime.

We all have baggage, it’s just a question of whether you want to deal with their set of baggage. 

So where do we go from here?

If it’s red flag #1 you may want to give this person a time frame (this time frame is only known to you) and if they don’t come around in time respect yourself enough to know you are worth more than simply being used for convenience and fun. If it’s red flag #2 then see if the person is teachable. Are they open to having someone else develop them spiritually? Give the relationship time and see how receptive they are to this. In doing so you may get the answer you are searching for. If it’s red flag #3, see how open they are to discussing these issues. Do they get defensive? Are they evasive? Are they open to discussing these issues with a third party? Marriage is for a lifetime and it is imperative that we pay attention to the signs God may be showing us so that we can build relationships that have a solid godly foundation. For more on this please check out my sermon How to Build Godly Relationships taken from the life of Samson in the book of Judges.